I suppose I have been fairly stoic when given bad news in the past. I tend to process it on my own and not show it in front of others.

When my first wife and I were told that her cancer was incurable it hit us both very hard, we could tell. But it was my father in law who broke down and cried in front of us.

When I was told years later that I had cancer, it was the consultant who seemed most moved but he tried to pass it off as me being wobbly. I was just numb and showed very little at all. It seemed perfectly fair to me.

We all cope differently and unpredictably. My Father died 10 minutes before my wife was diagnosed with cancer, my mother died a few months later followed by my sister. I was kept very busy with three wills and two properties to clear and sell. Surprisingly my US boss was amazingly understanding and gave me latitude with my job; often the US give you just a week to sort yourself out. I was given the 18 months I needed. I immersed myself in what I needed to do, this keeping myself busy sorting out affairs helped me.

I suffered so many in succession too, first big one was the worst. Father, received phone call from afar Saturday morning. Should have cancelled the day at a wedding fair. I was a -hotographer the previous year's wedding fair I booked in on that day half the next years work, something like 20 jobs, maybe more. 1991 a long time ago, I forget. On that day, hoding that secret, not a single sausage, it was like my table smelled of skunk.

There is a time to morn. Use it and definately don't try to sell anything. I just can't describe the force of that first big one.

Past that time I had a succession of same level deaths including mother but they didn't hit me as bad. However by 2002 those and my then job as a paediatric nurse where I was active in seeing children through their lasts moments alive on a regular basis, it all came crashing down on me. When I went off sick for a week thinking I had flue, I stayed off and have never been back to nursing since. My GP called it "stress fatigue" a psychiatrist called it "reactional depression".

Anayway much water has passed under the bridge, I am fully fighting fit and do better physically in a physical job that most guys 10 years younger than me. What doesn't break you makes you stronger.

I came out of it all with something I never had before that horribilus 15 to 20 odd years. A comprehension of people that are broken by happenstance. People that fall to nits when asked to speak in public. People who fear going to the shops in case someone they know sees them. I used to be stoical and tough. I could not comprehend anyone that folded under pressure. That turned into a wet mass of tears and had fits of running out the room for no apparent reason.

Having now learned their position by living proof in my own life, I can help, in my small way, and the greatest help is to in honesty comprehend and show them that.

The biggest difficulty I suffered with my many griefs at the time, and before my "breakdown", was the loneliness of it. There was not a single person who I saw back from their eyes the slightest depth of knowledge or understanding, which made them entirely powerless to improve my situation. My worst case of this was the death of a 6 year old girl from meningitis in Leeds. Me there in her cubicle with granny and grandad stood in the corner watching. I couldn't bring her back. resus doesn't go like the television shows. I won't give detail for you, but it was a long hard fight and a slow painful end, and I lost that one. There was no consoling me that afternoon back in the late '90's. I was staying in a nurses room working away. No friends in Leeds. Family back in Kent. I went to the pub, had a sip of my pint, and left. next morning went to church. was councelled by another nurse afterwards. No disrespect to her, but it just didn't hit the spot. The need for someone with a life experience anything like it, that could fix a gase on the grief victims eyes and get deep in the pshyche with a true understanding, was absent. About the only help at that time I could get that just about touched me, was the decision I made to raid the sister's pffice for some of the chocolate she confiscated which patients had donated to us. She used to control it's release. I was in charge of the ward, had just sent a 6 year old to the mortuary and dealt with the family. And I said, I'm getting the chocolate. The ward clark (they always think they are above nurses) said "You can't do that, I'll tell sister." to my shame I went white with rage and gave her a broadside with every gun on ship. But anyway I got the chocolate, and shared it out among the team involved. Yes that helped.

But that look from a human, is sometimes there. My first bad news of my father. When I went to the funeral, a neighbour gave us somewere to stay. As she met me to hand over the keys, sho fixed her gaze deep into my eyes and said to this relatively young man: "it's a terrible thing isn't it Paul". She touched me. In all honesty through all my grief she is the only human that has ever touched the spot. But it can be done.

of course in nurse training we covered it all. But life is bigger than learning about things academically. The academic level has taken too much importance. It is of very little value when the chips are down. People are of much more use. The cleaner in the hospital will no breavement training is more likely to benefit the victim that nurse with degrees in the subgect.