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Post by Slinger on Oct 23, 2020 17:30:13 GMT
I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.
Oh, here we go again, two more, and dressed up as policemen this time...
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Post by Slinger on Oct 27, 2020 15:40:52 GMT
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Post by Slinger on Oct 27, 2020 15:41:23 GMT
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Post by Slinger on Oct 28, 2020 21:33:11 GMT
Not the usual fare for this thread, but it did make me laugh, so here it is. When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him as he expected, there were always " arguments" and confrontations. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, " Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat." Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, " You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. " Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, " The one with the money, of course." Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically said, " I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?" Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, " Each one takes what he doesn't have." Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word " idiot" and gave it to Gandhi.. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, " Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
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Post by brian2957 on Oct 28, 2020 22:10:26 GMT
Wonderful
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Post by ajski2fly on Oct 29, 2020 9:53:05 GMT
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Post by Slinger on Oct 30, 2020 16:36:03 GMT
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Post by jandl100 on Oct 30, 2020 19:30:33 GMT
This made me laugh, in a baffled and uncomprehending way. America - what a very, very strange country. "If Kenny can be sued for defending himself, make no mistake, all lawful gun owners' rights are at risk. And that should scare everyone," his lawyer told the Louisville Courier Journal newspaper." www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-54752228
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Post by Slinger on Oct 31, 2020 15:14:53 GMT
Shamelessly nicked from Ian McCormack on Farcebook
(If Ronnie Barker was still with us)
And finally...It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local Bra Shop has gone bust.
A Mining Company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A Dog Kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An Aerial Installation company has called in the receivers.
A Key Company has gone into lockdown.
A Watch smith has wound down and called time.
An Iceland store has had its assets frozen.
A Shoe Factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
The local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dynarod has gone down the drain.
A paint manufacturer has gone insolvent
The pole dancing bar next door has had its assets stripped
A fisherman has been denied a bailout because he had no net profits
The painter who heard of the birth of his daughter tripped on a roller tray and was overcome with emulsion
The owner of the aerobatic flying display team was given a bailout
The following poor weather, the tree felling business has started pruning its branches
The glue factory has come unstuck.
the sewage works have gone down the toilet
The exorcism business has had all its assets repossessed
A Sumo wrestling troupe has gone belly up
The local firework manufacturer has gone bang.
The local fizzy drinks manufacturer has gone pop
The dairy butter firm has gone into meltdown
The Driving School has crashed
A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel. The crews were marooned
The local synagogue has breached its covenants
And finally, the AA Recovery Service are on their way to a breakdown.
That's all from me and.......
R.I.P Ronald William George Barker, OBE - 25 September 1929 – 3 October 2005.
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Post by MartinT on Oct 31, 2020 17:21:49 GMT
Boom, boom!
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Post by MikeMusic on Nov 1, 2020 14:14:33 GMT
A few laughs here....
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…”I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!” Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage counselor: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?” Him: “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.”
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “Wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Coronacoaster (noun): The ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought, “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
This is the day dogs have been waiting for. They realize their owners can’t leave the house and they get them 24/7. Dogs are rejoicing everywhere. Cats are contemplating suicide.
If you are trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
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Post by MartinT on Nov 1, 2020 14:32:34 GMT
It’s weird being the same age as old people. LOL - that's me!
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Post by Slinger on Nov 1, 2020 16:30:32 GMT
There are some crackers there, Mike. My own contribution: Don't even think of judging me until you've walked a mile in my shoes. OK, it'll cost me a pair of shoes, but at least you'll be a mile away and I won't have to listen to your fekkin' whining.
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Post by MartinT on Nov 1, 2020 17:07:01 GMT
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. I really like this one, too.
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Post by Slinger on Nov 4, 2020 15:57:08 GMT
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Post by MartinT on Nov 4, 2020 20:37:58 GMT
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Post by John on Nov 5, 2020 8:09:33 GMT
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Post by Slinger on Nov 5, 2020 14:10:47 GMT
i'm seeing "Content Unavailable," John.
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Post by MartinT on Nov 5, 2020 14:28:52 GMT
It's a private group in FB.
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Post by John on Nov 6, 2020 8:23:28 GMT
Drat sorry guys not able to share
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